Let’s Talk About Useless Everyday Things That Somehow Still Exist

 

There are certain things in life that we all keep doing just because someone somewhere said we should. Like it’s tradition. Like there’s some rulebook passed down through generations that says, “You must suffer through this pointless task, or you’re not an adult.”

Well… I’ve decided I’m not doing any of it. So let’s talk about the everyday nonsense we’ve all agreed to suffer through—for no actual reason.

1. Top Sheets

Who still uses these? Why are you using them? Are they not just unsolicited fabric swaddles that come alive in the night? And how are you keeping them still?? Every time I try, I wake up in a fabric straightjacket having night-fought a ghost. No thanks. Duvet or nothing. The end.

2. Ironing Clothes

I don’t even separate my lights and darks—how do people live in a world where ironing is a scheduled activity? Is it a hobby? Does it calm you? Because for me, it’s a hard no. If it came out of the dryer and doesn’t resemble a crumpled paper receipt, I’m wearing it. Texture is trendy.

3. Greeting Cards

Yes, it’s the thought that counts—but also, now I have this piece of folded guilt I don’t know what to do with. Is there a standard grace period for how long you keep a card before it’s socially acceptable to throw it away? No one teaches you this. Just text me. Send a gif. Save the trees. And the money.

4. Electric Can Openers

I don’t own an electric can opener—because have you seen those prices? Instead, I buy the cheap $3 manual ones. And then I buy them again. And again. At this point, I’ve invested enough in failed can openers to fund a high-quality microwave, but will I spend more than $5 at once? Absolutely not. I simply can’t. Not on a can opener.

5. Subtitled Movies

People who watch movies with subtitles and claim they’re catching every word and every facial expression at once are either lizards or lying. It’s a full-body experience trying to watch and read and snack at the same time. If I wanted to read, I’d have grabbed a book—not clicked the Hulu app.

6. Paying for Bank Acconts

Banks that charge you monthly just to exist in their system should be embarrassed. What am I paying for? Moneysitting? Get you a Cash App account and move on with your life.

7. Target Obsession 

Some people treat Target like a spiritual experience. I walk in and feel out of place. No judgment if that’s your thing, but I personally reside in the Dollar Tree–Walmart income bracket. Where the prices are low and the expectations are lower.

In Summary:

If you’re still out here ironing pillowcases, swaddling yourself in rogue top sheets, and pretending your $12 banking fee is justified, I wish you peace. But I can’t do it. 

Because some things just aren’t worth pretending we need. And deep down? You know I’m right.

If I made you laugh, cringe, or question your entire existence—consider tossing a tip my way.